The battle

It's true- its tiring, really. 

I'm tired of battling with my inner demons.  I'm tired of feeling sad all the time, feeling worthless, feeling useless. 

They say 'Stop cutting yourself short. Have some confidence'- how can I? Seriously, tell me how. 

These people with confidence, I envy them. I've always wanted to be one of them- confident, sexy, sophisticated, elegant-criterias that I can never have. Not until I fight all these feelings I never wanted. But it's so hard, so so hard to overcome these feelings. It will always resurface, it will always come back. It will always be there, at the very deep back of your damn mind, and it will never go away. 

I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for? 

Be positive, they say. I did. I really did, but it will never be enough. 

Some people ask me why at the age of 19, there's still no boyfriend around.

The thing is, how can I love someone else when I can't even love myself? How can I be with someone, if I myself am a damn mess? How can I stick with someone when I cant even fix myself? How can I love someone when I don't feel I'm good enough for anyone? Who would stick and fight for me anyway? Who can handle my damn issues? Who can even stay with me for the long haul, with my messed up emotions? I don't think anyone can, honestly. 

I'm a huge mess- I can't even fix myself, how can somebody else will? 

One Step At A Time

My feelings has tone-down a lot.

I'm not excited whenever i see his name anymore, although i do stalk him occasionally. 

My heart hears my mind. I like it. 

I can do this!!! Hopefully I can move on from him completely. YES I CAN!

Insyaallah. Amin!

Change of Hearts

Told ibu about my decisions, how i contemplating my career choice because i dont think accountancy is for me.
told her i want to be a wedding planner, because i love weddings and i love planning.
but as usual, obviously she wouldnt agree.

told me to get my proper qualification first, told me that she didnt send me far away for me to give up halfway.
funny, how she was one of the reason why i chose to go far away.

how i wanted to fix myself
fix my mind
fix my confidence
fix my depression

its hard to keep it all to myself,
how depressed i was.
no one knows.
no one does.

because to them, im always happy. 

1.33 AM

Salam. Hi.

Had a talk with Ibu today, she asked me if I dont have a boyfriend yet,
told her no and she said that she's worried. Told her that many of my friends are facing the same case as me- boyfriendless since forever, only then she said her heart is settled a bit.

Obviously, I was slightly hurt from her comments but that's Ibu for you. She doesnt really care- she just say what she feels like saying. I don't blame her for that though.

Because as harsh as it may sound, let's face it- its the truth.
the single damn truth.

no one wants me

I know that. I'm already 19 and not even a shadow of my prince someone in sight. But i still have hope. Hope that The One up there is waiting for the right moment to have that someone to step into my life and be my everything. I believe that He is giving me the best option out there. That he'll come around someday near the future. I know Ibu is worried because she married Ayah early, she was 21. Basically, I only have 2 years to find someone.

Problem is, I don't feel like finding someone. I'm too lazy to go through the hassle. I just want Him to throw someone at me, make Istikharah, and if he's the one, marry him. Unfortunately I can't simply do that. It needs effort. It needs time. It needs hard work. And I.... don't have the heart to do that.


Or maybe because there's already someone's name engraved in my heart. 
For a long time.. For a long, long time..... 
Has it been 3 years? or 4? or 5? 
I don't know. I've lost track of time. 

Someone whom I can't call mine. 
Someone whom I can't show off to people.
Someone whom I like, but probably doesn't like me back. 
Someone who makes me smile, but confusing as hell. 
Someone who makes my heart flutters, but maybe I'm not good enough for him. 
He's the one that got away. 
And I let him go. 


How ever I try to forget him, my heart still beats faster, still flutters everytime I saw him anywhere.
No matter how hard I try to forget him, my mind will always wonder to what could have been.
As much as I try to forget him, my whole body just cannot resist and forget him.

I did ask for help from Him, asking Him to help me to forget him if he's not the one, if he's not meant for me, if he's not the best for me.
Whenever I ask for help, I keep on thinking about him, waiting for him.

So I stopped asking for help, because I'm so tired of thinking of him. When he cared so little about me.

And now I'm clueless. I don't know what to do. How can I open up my heart to someone else when there's already someone who owns it unwillingly? 


MY LOVE LIFE SUCKS.

Hi.

Sorry, new blog just because I don't want people to find it.
But if you guys did- congrats.

This will be the blog that I'll pour my hearts out.